Image

sorry about the blurriness. it’s hard to get both of them in one pix.

it’s a little bit of a love hate relationship between them..

when i was young i thought i was going to be superwoman. i wanted 5 to 6 children like my grandmother and i aspired to do a great deal.

 

i am single today. separated. at a crossroads. 

there is no doubt i’d have been an awesome mom- at least that’s what i’d like to think. But marrying into a relationship with someone who had a son already and had their ways established as to how they wanted to raise them, brought about conflict as we were on opposite ends of the spectrum about everything imaginable.

 

So in quiet desperation i left. Left most of what i had worked hard for by the sweat of my brow doctoring for a decade. 

s–t hit the fan and how bad ! Just when i thought all was ok. seemed like a karmic car pileup. my father passed away right after i left him and my world turned upside down. everything i lived for i began questioning.

 

i realized i loved helping people and i know i still do. when i left looking for greener pastures it seemed that instead the earth was getting muddier.

 

many things have changed since. i still contemplate perhaps G-d willing to work in my field…maybe…maybe not. 

 

i can’t fully explain in words. the best i can say is that there are times i feel like a turtle which has withdrawn into her shell. 

i found  a quote that describes well this turtle feeling. it’s from an artist named Dario Robleto. ” i can go days and weeks without seeing or talking to anyone” 

 

i’ve always tried to live up to my father’s expectations, hushing my inner authentic self.

even as an adult he had an iron fist and i was convinced everything had to go his way. 

when i had taking a leave of absence once, he disowned me and quit talking to me. then when he found out i went back to school he wanted to help me. working without any degree in the real world still accustomed to the finer things in life, unable to scale back in my hedonistic ways i quickly realized that life was not easy on one’s own. 

 

P.S. if you can’t make a difference and leave a huge legacy, maybe you’re here to learn something? ever thought of that? i did

 

i’m not sure what took me to get side tracked with my education. maybe a sense of defiance. not sure. when i told him i was graduating, he said he did not believe me.

 

So, i walked alone with my graduation class. and found a teacher to have photos taken with bc i had no family present. 

it was an awkward moment. i was supposed to feel happy yet i felt sad. maybe bc i saw how so many parents had done all they could to be with their graduating offspring.

 

i had one friend with me however, that really helped me. actually 2, a mentor and a neighbor. 

 

i was going to talk more about my 2 service animals in the photo i posted. i’ll save that for later.

 

having gone on a small tangent, there are couple of things that i have learned many many years later however. And not at the time i was really supposed to learn them, so maybe that is why i stumbled over the same block on my own like a fool.

 

here is what i have 

 

life is very very short. 

i do believe there IS a higher power or call what you will.

there is a puzzle in my life i cannot solve

never life someone else’s life

live your life authentically – be you

don’t get caught up in consumerism and excessive materialism

don’t share your dreams with people at all. Consider it like gold dust in your hand- if you open your hand your dream will fly away

BE a good samaritan always. even if you only have cpr training help. 

hardest , do not be afraid of death. 

follow your intuition – gut feeling is usually right

know your limitations. i know i cannot do a full time schedule. that’s ok. i am not superwoman. but i want to know that what i do is the best i could (and not have someone who dictates what i should and should not do) many people will do that with “nice” people. 

 

Being so-called nice is not being stupid. Some people of our culture in the United States of America have to clearly be told “NO” unlike other cultures like Japan. Or they don’t get it.

 

there are still lots of things i am learning. 

 

oh, last thing. it is possible to live off of very little. It IS. 

That may involve a strong commitment to turning off your tv (or giving it away) 

not comparing  yourself to others

Reminding yourself that everything material you want and use /get /eat is packaged with suffering too: meaning … it may be pleasurable at first but after 3 bites its’s so and so. And possesions get old. 

 

And moths eat Gucci and Prada, so why feed them expensive labels.

 

and  if you are overweight, have clutter, or short of money so i have read, that that means there is a problem. Maybe this is partially true, but i don’t like overgeneralizations…so take that with a grain of salt… am i buying too much of something i don’t really need? 

 

am i pretty with the salt and pepper hair? yes. Do i really need to conform to social tribalisms and color my hair to fool people into thinking i am young?

 

why can’t i honor my age? why must i worship youth. Is something wrong with being older, getting older, being elderly? 

 

NO. 

 

So if there is young there is old, if there is pretty there is ugly, if there is tall there is short (tao te Ching) but my parameters are mine

 

Who cares what Joe Shmoe thinks? 

 

if i could live my life again what would i do differently…….

 

i leave you with this thought.

 

one day i, you, we’ll be on our death bed (hopefully without bedsore and surrounded by caring loved ones) and it’s not your money worshipping boss whom you worked so hard to fill their wallet , as a parasite they were on you, think about what memories you’d like to have – and make those good warm toasty memories happen…

Peace, Love, and Light

 

s

 

i’m not sure exactly. there are many things i know were there right thing to do. maybe i would have spoken up more when i was told to stay hushed.

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